Grief Comes in Waves:Coping When Grief Hits Unexpectedly
One day, I was fine.
Or at least I thought I was.
I was moving through life, handling what needed to be handled and doing what so many grieving people learn to do—keep going.
Then, without warning, grief hit me.
I was walking through TJ Maxx when I caught the faint smell of a perfume that reminded me of my grandmother. It was only a scent, but suddenly it felt like she was standing right there.
Before I could understand what was happening, I was uncontrollably ugly crying in the middle of TJ Maxx.
No warning. No time to prepare. No quiet room where I could privately pull myself together.
That is the thing about grief.
It does not always wait until you are home. It does not check your schedule or ask whether today is a convenient day to fall apart.
Sometimes all it takes is a familiar perfume, a song, a photograph, a birthday, an empty chair or an ordinary moment you would have once shared with someone you loved.
One second, you are standing.
The next, a wave knocks the breath out of you.
Grief Is Not Always Predictable
Grief is the natural response to losing someone or something that mattered deeply to us.
We often associate grief with death, but grief can also follow a divorce, miscarriage, broken relationship, lost friendship, illness, career change, traumatic experience, major move or the loss of the life you thought you would have.
You can even grieve a version of yourself you had to leave behind.
Grief can affect you emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. It may show up as sadness, anger, confusion, guilt, anxiety, exhaustion, numbness or even relief.
Sometimes several emotions arrive at once.
There is no perfect way to grieve, and there is no deadline for healing.
You may have good days and then suddenly feel like you are back at the beginning. That does not mean you have lost your progress.
It means another wave arrived.
Grief Comes in Waves
I often describe grief like floating in the water.
For a moment, the water may feel calm. You find your balance. Your breathing settles. You think you finally have your footing.
Then a wave comes.
It disrupts your float, shifts your body and forces you to respond in that moment. You have to regain your balance, calm your movements and remember to breathe—all while the water is still moving around you.
Grief can feel the same way.
When the emotion comes, your first instinct may be to fight it, outrun it or force yourself to “get it together.” But fighting the wave can exhaust you.
Sometimes the gentler choice is to let the feeling move through you while you focus on staying present.
You do not have to control the entire ocean.
You only have to breathe through the wave in front of you.
“Grief comes in waves. Take a deep breath to calm the waters. You may lose your balance for a moment, but that does not mean you have forgotten how to float.”
—Kayla Folse
The Stages of Grief Are Not Steps
You may have heard about denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
These experiences can help us understand some of the emotions connected to grief, but they are not a straight path or a checklist.
You do not complete anger on Tuesday and graduate to acceptance by Friday.
You may feel peaceful one day and angry the next. You may experience sadness, relief, guilt and gratitude within the same hour.
Healing does not happen in a perfectly organized order.
Acceptance does not mean that you are happy about what happened. It means you are slowly learning how to carry the reality of the loss while continuing to live.
You are not moving on from the love.
You are learning how to move forward with it.
When a Grief Wave Hits
When grief arrives unexpectedly, try to give yourself one small moment before demanding that you function normally.
Pause
If it is safe, stop what you are doing.
Place both feet on the floor or sit somewhere you feel supported. You do not have to solve the feeling. Simply acknowledge that it is here.
Breathe
Take a slow breath in.
Hold gently.
Exhale slowly.
Repeat this a few times without pressuring yourself to become calm immediately. The goal is not to erase your grief. It is to give your body a steady rhythm while the emotion moves through you.
Name What You Feel
Try saying:
“This is grief.”
“I was reminded of someone I love.”
“This moment is painful, but I am safe in this moment.”
Naming the feeling can help separate what you are experiencing from who you are.
You are not broken.
You are grieving.
Let the Feeling Move
Cry if you need to cry. Step outside. Write down the memory. Call someone safe. Sit quietly. Pray.
You do not have to apologize for having a human response to loss.
Tears are not proof that you are falling apart. Sometimes they are simply love and pain finding a way out.
Lower the Expectations
After a strong grief wave, you may feel emotionally and physically exhausted.
Give yourself permission to do less.
Drink some water. Eat something simple. Rest. Move one task to tomorrow. Let “good enough” be enough for today.
Grace is also a coping skill.
Triggers Are Often Connected to Love
The perfume in TJ Maxx was not only a trigger.
It was a memory.
For one brief second, that familiar scent brought my grandmother close enough for my heart to remember what it felt like when she was here.
That memory hurt because the love was real.
The same thing can happen with songs, recipes, holidays, familiar sayings and places you once visited together. These reminders can bring pain, but they can also become ways of maintaining a meaningful connection.
You might light a candle, cook their favorite meal, write them a letter, create a memory box or tell a story about them.
You are allowed to remember them with both tears and laughter.
Love does not disappear when someone is no longer physically present. It changes shape.
Healing Does Not Mean Forgetting
Many people fear that healing means leaving their loved one behind.
It does not.
Healing means creating enough room in your heart for the memory and your life to exist together.
It means learning that you can miss someone and still experience joy. You can laugh without betraying your grief. You can build new memories without replacing the old ones.
Moving forward is not the same as moving on.
You are allowed to continue living while continuing to love.
A Gentle Grief Reflection
When you feel ready, consider these questions:
What memory do I never want to lose?
What reminders tend to bring the strongest waves?
What helps me feel grounded when grief appears?
Who feels safe enough to call on a difficult day?
What would giving myself grace look like today?
How can I honor the love without abandoning myself?
You do not need to answer every question at once.
Choose the one your heart is ready for.
A Reminder for the Heavy Days
Some days, healing will look like reflection, prayer and meaningful progress.
Other days, healing will look like taking a shower, answering one message or simply making it through the day.
Both count.
You do not have to rush your grief to make other people comfortable. You do not have to explain every feeling. You do not have to be strong every moment.
Take a breath.
Calm your movements.
Find your balance again.
The wave will pass, and when another one comes, you will meet it with a little more understanding and a little more grace.
You are still here.
You are still held.
And you are still healing.
Rooted in faith. Guided with grace.
Free Mini Grief Guide
If you are carrying a heavy heart, download the free Getting Through the Day with Grace Mini Grief Guide.
Inside, you will find gentle grounding steps, compassionate reminders and simple ways to care for yourself when grief makes the day feel especially heavy.
[Download the Free Mini Grief Guide]
For deeper reflection and support, explore the Still Here, Still Healing Grief Guide and other C’est La Vie NOLA healing resources.
